Growing up I had always been obsessed with appearance, beauty, weight and popularity. It wasn’t about vanity, power and control and arrogance. It was about me expressing my insecurities. I wanted to feel accepted and wanted.
In high school I came out of the closet as a homosexual and I was shameful with who I was and to top it off, I had issues at home; a neglectful father and an over protective mother. I began to cope differently than most people when I was stressed so I began a diet. I was ashamed not only with my sexuality, but I hated myself, I hated who I was. I was too intense, too impulsive, too angry, too judgmental. After what seemed like a harmless diet, it continued to get worse. I started exercising, running mile after mile everyday and eventually went vegan to subconsciously save my calories. If I ate too much one day, I would compensate by running on my achy knees on zero calories for the day.
Soon enough, I was diagnosed with anorexia and later anorexia: binge/purge subtype because I was purging through exercise, diet pills and diuretics and self induced vomiting. At my breaking point, after two hospitalizations I realized I had to get help or else I would die. That was the hardest part…deciding whether it was worth the risk to eat something or to die. I wanted to die.
Shortly after being released from the hospital for the eating disorder and tests to determine my mental state, I was approached by a teacher in school who had wondered where I had been and if I was okay. After a few minutes of talking, she admitted in confidence that she also battled anorexia and later bulimia. She told me that the sport of bodybuilding saved her because it “forces you to eat so your muscles can grow.” So she offered to teach me everything about the sport and training. It involved weight lifting and a high calorie diet of all healthful foods. After months of doing this I was hooked to the lifestyle and continued to lift and eat according to sports. I have put on a lot of muscle mass since struggling with my eating disorder and I may be physically health, but I need to understand that with my personality and with my hisotry I need to be very careful and can’t overdo training and need to focus on my feelings so that it doesn’t turn into an unhealthy obsession or distraction like anorexia.
Right now I am training for a bodybuilding competition and am attending college for Nutrition and hope to work with eating disordered patients as an eating disorder nutrition specialist.